Life is a Journey.
Someone once asked if we were just walking a path which has already been chosen for us or are we making our path as we walk it... FYI: I REBLOG MANY PICTURES AND I DONT TAKE CREDIT FOR THEM... THE PICTURES THAT ARE MINE WILL USUALLY HAVE A DESCRIPTION OF WHO THE PERSON OR OBJECT IS. <3
Well, well, well…
What can I say… Nothing much. That’s what I usually say. When I am asked what is wrong. My answer is always nothing. He asks if I am sure. And I quickly reply yes. I say it’s the headache I have. He asks why I have a headache and I say I don’t know. But I do know. I know why I feel this way… I have too many thoughts of what is happening back home that I have no clue about… I don’t know how my parents really are. I specially don’t know how my siblings are. I am worried about them. I text them here and there but it seems as if no one cares. No one ever texts me or calls me to see how I am doing everyone just assumes I am fine. I really miss my family and it kills me to think that they don’t care about me. They have only visited me once. It’s going to be a year and only one single time they gave come to see me… I really do wish I could go to sleep and not wake up for a long time….
Aaaahhhhh!
I am so in love. I feel guilty sometimes. Idk why? I think I deserve to be happy. But then again I am waiting for something bad to happen…. But I love my boyfriend so much. I wish I could yell it at the top of my lungs… But sadly I can’t.
Wtf!? I Thought I Came For A Mini Vacation.
I honestly hoped for things to be better. I really don’t know who I was kidding. It sucks. Wednesday was the only good day. Yesterday was alright until the night. There are things that I saw that I wish I didn’t. I wish things were different but they aren’t. Fuuuck I hate my life right now. I wish I could just take my mom’s and sister’s pain away. But I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. I just have to pretend that nothing is wrong and that I don’t know anything. I wish I could just escape….
City Lights
These city lights are not my lights. I miss my city. I miss my views. I really don’t understand what I am doing here. I don’t know if it was a mistake to come. How am I going to deal with things when I leave? How will I deal without the people that I am used to now? Idk. I have been having too many doubts….
Ring With Green Flower In Hands.
Well. Yesterday was the nine month mark of my boyfriends death. I was watching the movie One Day and Idk. I didn’t finish watching it. But it seemed pretty good. But anyway. There was a scene where Emma and Dexter are riding in his convertible having a great time. Well that was what happened in my dream last night. I was with him. I picked him up from a place and we rode down to a place that I have never been. But all my old neighbors were there. And the loudest one yelled at the top of her lungs “He’s back! And look who he is with! I always knew that he was going to choose her.” He never said anything to me. Not in the car and not when we got to our destination. He was having a good time and so was I. As soon as he looked at me I smiled. And for some reason a ring that I have stood out to me. I haven’t worn rings in a long time especially not gold ones. Well this ring has a set of hands holding a green flower. But I don’t know what any of this means. After nine months I still have his phone number saved on my phone. But I’m glad I saw him. Cause I hadn’t seen him in such a long time. I still love him. I don’t think that will ever change.
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It Is What It Is…
Well its going to be a month since I have talked to my best friend from back home. I really didn’t know she needed to have special treatment for being my best friend. I have always had my family on the top of my priority list. Well when I went home for the holidays I only saw her the first day… And we had plans to hang out again on our Friendaversary. But she flaked. She was supposed to text me as soon as she was back from hanging out with her sisters but no. She texted me at eleven at night saying sorry I couldn’t make it. I was at home all day not doing anything cause I was waiting for her. I don’t think she realized that. But oh well. I really do miss how thing were before. But things haven’t been the same since June 2011. But oh well. Maybe we really aren’t going to be best friends forever right? We will see what happens…
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Someone Like You <3
I was sitting here thinking. That I need to move on… I need to listen to what people have told me. Maybe I do need a boyfriend, maybe I do need a significant other to share with… But the question is where do I begin? How do I look for someone. This thought has been on my mind for a while. But today I was thinking… Will he be someone like you? And the answer is that no. He will be nothing like you. Because the same way that I have loved you and as much as I cared for you and as much as you cared for me you hurt me. We went through so much. Now the person that is here for me is nothing like you. He is here regardless. I know he wont hurt me. Hes family. I love him. But of course no where will I find someone like you. Babe, you were my everything. I still think and wonder if you would have been back and if we did have a second chance would we of worked out? It has been 8 months that I have been with out your voice, your nagging, your complaining. It had been a while since I had taken a look at your picture, and last night when I did. I cried. I hadn’t cried myself to sleep like I did last night. But all I want to know is if it is okay to move on? Can you please help me? Can you send me a sign? I don’t want someone like you. Cause with all your love you brought so much pain. But your love over powered it! So please help me and guide me and don’t send me someone like you.
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OMG.
Ok, so here’s the deal…
This post is not sad and depressing. Its the best one yet. Lol. Well im ubberly excited of going home tomorrow. I will be surprising my family. They are not expecting me till Thursday. But this week has been a roller coaster! But hey. Mood swing here and there. But all I want to do sometimes is cry. But like always there is someone here and the tears wont come out… But oh well. I said no depression. So I just wanted to say how excited I was about tomorrow. And well pretty much my whole weekend. A whole five days with my family… What more can I ask for…. Oh and I might just get a new tattoo tomorrow…. Yay! Lol. Ok. Now back to this paper that is due tomorrow at ten am… Lol. “)
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Fucken.
Well this time of the year is usually bad. But this year its harder. I usually just express all my tougher moments here. So this month is really bad. Well today marks 11 years of my cousins death. We were raised together. He wasvolder than me. But he was like my older brother. I will never forget the last time I saw and spoke to him and the things he said. He was such a great person and he didn’t deserve to die so young. I really hope that one day the people that killed him will pay for what they did. They left my family destroyed and torn. They also left a baby without his dad. The saddest part is that his son who now is 11 told us that he wanted to know who did it. But he didn’t want to know to be mad or get revenge. His words exactly were “I wish I knew who did this so I can ask them if they know what it feels like not to have a dad.” He’s the sweeter little boy ever. And he has his dads face and laugh. So I hope that my cousin is resting in peace. We will leave everything in God’s hands. I have had the privilege to be a God Mother. This was great news and I felt honored to do so. But the party won’t be the same. Reason being that one of my closest friends is in the hospital recovering from getting his kidney removed which was infected by cancer. He already had prostate cancer before. I wad glad to know that he was ok and that the operation went really well. But in his voice I knew he was in pain. I wish I could be with him and his family in this moment but I can’t. And now the hardest thing I have to do is keep a happy face on. When in reality all I want to do is cry. As I’m writing this I’m sitting in a truck on my way to the mall, and my eyes are watery (thank God for sunglasses). People here don’t know me when I’m upset. So they sense something is wrong. But I say I’m just tired when they ask why im quiet. Well that’s all. I just vented. But I don’t feel any better.
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Moved Out
Well this is pretty much how I feel. Honestly I dont know how many people sit and read my blogs, but its alright. I guess this is like a very public journal. Well as I have written before I have moved to a new place and where I dont know anyone but my family. One of the first things was that I was culture shocked when I saw the way people here dress. I guess that coming from LA and being surrounded by crazy, wild, open-minded people that dont give a fuck how they look and making statements by what they wear has a big part to do with this. I have been to Hollywood countless of times, so I have pretty much seen everything and anything wild. But out here all I see are vineyards and trees, which I dont mind at all but when I saw the people I was shocked… I know im not a big fashionista but I just wasnt used to the “simple life” of people here… But pretty much here where im at, im not myself. I try but I just cant. There are only certain people who know me well… One of those people is now in heaven, I miss him and love him everyday, today marks five months and to me its just another time that we go with out talking and im still waiting for his call. Thats why I didnt blog much in September, it was just a hard month. I miss my family and friends. I am literally a loner. But I know the sooner im done here the sooner I will go home to my family and friends. I will never change. But as long as im here I will act “normal” but trust me as soon as I go home I am back to my own self! I want December to come already so I can go home and be my loud self again! So right now I feel like Drake where I have my “mind in one place heart in another.” This is how things will be for a while.
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